A note to my other Mother

I wanted to acknowledge a very thoughtful Christmas gift I got from my Momma Cowles, who I never got to thank properly and I will explain why.

There are few things that I look forward to more than eventually reading to our new child.  I enjoy reading children's books a LOT, and every time I read to nieces, nephews and friends I think about the day when I can read to my own.  When I opened my gift it was very unexpected (I actually thought it was a CD!), and just reading the title and knowing what I was holding in my hands came over me in a wash of emotions that I couldn't hold back.

Tears started to well-up and I cracked.  I excused myself from the family gathering in the living room because I had trouble keeping my emotions in check.  Not just sadness or grief however that we are still in waiting, but ambivalent feelings of happiness as well.  I had never been acknowledged as a Daddy or a Father, and it was just all a little overwhelming even to talk about after the fact.  

In my own mind I had put Christmas of 2013 as a time where I thought the adoption would happen, so when that hasn't still happened I've intentionally put those emotions on hold, but I am now starting to embrace those thoughts so I can also think about the happy visions again about reading my favorite kid's books to our son or daughter.

Sorry Rosemary that I never got the time to properly thank you for such a beautiful gift that I will cherish forever.  You and Clair are an incredible support system whom I am thankful for every time we are together.  And please keep the children's books coming as gifts, they are my favorite, especially ones where I can use funny voices for all the different characters  :)

Big hug coming your way soon.  Love you   <3

- Jason

There is humour in everything!!

Here are some little jokes that I found funny. Anyone who knows

me knows that I love to laugh and no matter how deep and dark the situation is

I can always see the funny side. 

Some of them are rude and very offensive but funny. 

Love the one that uses the "F" word repeatedly.

Sorry MOM!

 This one gets me every time, I laugh out loud.

That was hard!

I was so naive to think this would be okay. That keeping us busy would help us deal with the holiday. I feel stupid that I didn't see it coming. I am so happy this year is coming to an end and Christmas is over. Decorations are coming down and I am done with it all. December was hard but we manage to get through it, kept ourselves busy with friends, and lots to do. We thought we were through the worst but the 24th came and it hit us like a brick wall. I expressed my fears of this holiday to friends and family and some said just relax, its about the kids just focus on the activities and it will be okay. I had Jason by my side and it was here if we liked it or not. We faced it head on but what happened was so far from what we imagined. We arrived with smiles on our faces and started off to be pretty good, got the food going and then presents.

You have to remember I am the only sibling out of 3 who does not have children, My brothers and their families were there along with my Grandma and parents. It was great to be surrounded by them at Christmas and they did nothing different then any other Christmas.

The kids gathered around room in between all the adults and we started handing out gifts. Immediately I realised that this was going bad. We were told just focus on the kids, it is all about the kids. Right, other peoples kids, Not ours.It was very apparent that we don't have kids in that very moment. My mother gave us each a sentimental gift which set us to a new level of sadness, but we loved the gift. We realised our perspective on Christmas was forever changed. Although I was in my glory seeing my nieces and nephews open their gifts my heart was split wide open in pain for our empty crib.

I try not to say to much to my family on our feelings at the time of a incident because the intention was not how is was received. Because no one in that room knows what it is like to go through this. I do not expect them to understand or change what happened. As a couple dealing with infertility we need to protect ourselves and we didn't. Our feelings immediately turned to anger, resentment, frustration and we had to get out of there. Which was the hardest thing I have ever done. My infertility effected more then me not conceiving, it effected me not celebrating with the ones I love.

No one could do anything. I would never expect them to. I never would want things to change in my parents house at Christmas. This is our reality right now. This is our perspective. But it will change, we will have a little one one day and we will be a part of that. This is no ones fault, even though there are things we could have done to not put ourselves in that situation it still isn't our fault. It is just what happens.

We went home had a nice evening with just us two and went to bed early. We had a great Christmas morning and celebrated each other. We had my folks and Grandma and my Dad's brother Randy over for Christmas afternoon and dinner and it was nice having a no kid Christmas day. We love kids but it was nice not thinking about it.

Although it ended nice I am glad our the holidays are coming to an end.

Imagine...

I understand your perspective on my situation because I was you one day. I was listening to a friend talk about her infertility and I consoled her with the same condolences I am hearing now. I understand now what that feels like. Sentiments that make the other person feel good about themselves just to move to the next topic in conversation. I don't want you to understand this, I don't want you to know how I am feeling, I don't want anyone, man or woman to feel the way we feel.

But I cannot change that 7.3 million people in the world suffer from infertility. What I can do is give you a glimpse, an outlook of my perspective. I believe I am doing this with this blog. I cannot change the entire world but I change your view, and maybe one day another woman will feel a little bit better when you console her after reading my story. I cannot make you feel what it feels like but I can try to explain what it looks like.

Here it goes:

When you are kid your dreams and aspirations are filled with opportunity. Everyone around you fills your head with ideas of what your life will look like, you have an image of who you want to be, and what your life looks like and you set off to get all that you deserve. You graduate high school, off to college/university, you graduate. Your life is going to plan. You struggle with dating but then you find him, the him you will marry, the him you have been thinking about, the one that holds your future. You go for an interview, apply for a mortgage, and he asks you to marry him all on the same day. The mortgage specialist says we will call you when you are approved, the job interview says we have other applicants and you will hear from us soon and you tell your boyfriend you have to think.

You wait, the anxiety and stress build up, you are anxious with excitement and just wish the phone would ring, your boyfriend sits at home patiently waiting for you to arrive at the door to change his life forever. But nothing happens, time moves on you go on about your life, the one you lived before this particular day, the day it all happened. But it actually is hanging there until a phone rings. Time moves on and on, there is a part of you who has one eye on the phone waiting to hear if you got the dream job, or the mortgage and until you hear, yes your boyfriend is still waiting, his life is on pause.

We all know how that feels, waiting for a job we have always wanted or the anxiety that comes from waiting to hear if you have enough money to buy the house, or the stress a relationship can bring, does he love me" These moments take a few days, maybe a week but it is the only other feeling that is a small portion of what waiting on the adoption list feels like.

Now imagine you are waiting to hear if you are a parent, someone has that control over us. We are waiting for someone to say YES you are the parents I have been looking for

Adoption Bracelets

We have been toying with this option to raise money for our adoption since we began this journey.

There are tons of ways you can raise money for adoption, and we never felt right asking our friends and family for money for something we wanted to do. Like travelling, we all pay for our own adventures and this is ours. 

I have talked to many people, from family to friends and even strangers who have asked how are we paying for this adoption. We have made choices in our lives since we have chosen to adopt. We actually were saving to buy a bigger home in the Fall of 2011 and by December 2011 we had enough with trying and decided to stay where we were and go ahead and meet with the adoption agency. Then we got a phone call from the fertility clinic in Calgary for my surgery in May of 2012. So we put everything on hold to find out about my health and when to move forward. It was hard to let go of having a biological child but by June 2012 we were on our way to be on the list. We had about half of the 12,000 saved already and knew we could move forward. 

Here we sit, 15 months later we have moved into a bigger home and have saved the rest of the adoption cost. It is high, but it is my journey and I will pay whatever it takes so I could be a mother. It bothers me sometimes when talking to people about adoption and they ask how much and then complain or make comments on the cost. I think it is high, but it is the only way I can be a mother. Sometimes I want to ask them how they became parents. I just find it strange when someone who can have a child makes a negative comment about the cost I am spending on becoming a mother when they lucked out and could have them naturally. It hurts a little. No one should say anything to me, It is my right to be a mother and it so happens we have had to pay.

After the year and months have gone by I have grown into my role as an adoptive mother, but I am not quite there, I am in waiting. I find things that keep me motivated to stay strong and hopeful. One huge thing is my art, and my bracelet I wear. Many people have asked me about it when I wear it and it gets the world talking about it and just embracing our journey.

This got us to thinking, we do not need the money right now, as we do have the rest sitting waiting for our child to arrive but we need positive thoughts in the universe. We also have been on the list for over a year and costs will start to add on the longer we are on the list, so all the funds from these bracelets will go towards our adoption.

What we need is our message to be spread the more people growing our love for our child may bring him/her home sooner. We want all of you to have the opportunity to share in bringing our little one home and everyday put those positive thoughts out there to whoever is listening. And if you have been doing it already we thank you.

Here is the first batch.

 

Thank you for your continued support and love.

Christmas brings JOY

Christmas brings joy and family together. We love Christmas at our house. Since being married it has been amazing sharing it with each other. This year we were looking forward to decorating our first home, and sharing new memories. As December approached I realised what we thought it would be so much fun turned into reminders and heart break. 

Mid November it began to be very apparent our house was missing what we have wanted for years. We started to decorate and plan. As time moved forward I realised Christmas was going to be extremely difficult for us. We need to put our game faces on and keep ourselves busy.

I turned our advent calendar into activity calendar filled with something to do everyday that involved friends or just getting out of the house. We are half way through and are surviving. Everyday we are reminded that Christmas is for kids, and that is our perspective right now. It is hard to see parents with their kids in the mall, it is hard to buy gifts for the kids in our lives and not think of buying for our own kid one day, it is difficult to be joyful when everything seems to be a reminder of where we are.

We chatted with a a few friends about this a few weeks ago and they were understanding of course but asked what can anyone do? They were right, no one can do anything and this is just how it is. We totally get it. We are very honoured to be surrounded by some amazing kids and are really enjoying being with them weekly, and sharing this adventure with all of you. We never thought Christmas would be difficult and no one ever thinks about it. We never did, and we have always been open on this journey and this is just another level. 

We have made the best of our situation and must hope for good things to come. We have gotten many cards and emails asking a lot of questions this year and are extremely thankful for all the love and support. We both feel very exhausted and worn out. We are still hopeful and wish for the day to come soon. Although we are struggling, we have good days, and bad days. When we see ourselves getting frustrated and angry we stop and remind ourselves what is really happening and what we need to do to keep ourselves focused and positive. It is the up and downs of adoption.

Maybe Santa will bring our family together this Christmas!! 

Wishing you all Peace, Love and Joy this Holiday and Hoping you all receive what is in your heart in 2014. 

Love Jason and Lauren