What I have learned......

Last week I was sick. So what a good time to go through all the hidden piles of junk in closets and drawers. I came across my little ovulation diary from the first month we started to try to get pregnant. First day was May 21, 2009. That made me stop cold. One year ago, May 22, 2012 I found out I could not carry a child. 
I sat on the edge of my bed and stared at the diary. No this isn't right. But there it was. Pretty much the same day that we started trying was also the day we discovered our journey would be different. 

Jason was at work and I had a break down right there. The anger, the upset, devastation. I then picked myself up again, and thought about the past 4 yrs. I am still sad and am facing new challenges as we are waiting but am very grateful for the journey we have been given. I am a different person from that date back in 2009 and even different from last year.

I am stronger, mentally and physically. I surprise myself everyday how physically strong I am becoming, through working out and just taking care of my broken body. Years and years of neglect and self hate I am on the journey I was meant to be on with my body. One day maybe even a marathon runner!! You never really know what will happen ,even if you plan for it.

I am an inspiration. Even 6 months ago I would never have said that. I am still full of self doubt when I type this but friends tell me that all the time. I get random messages from past relationships telling me how inspired they are because of me and my journey. 

I am a better human being. I look at strangers different, I am less judgemental, I am more accepting of others faults and my beliefs have slightly changed. 

I am going to be an awesome Mom. If I became a mother 4 yrs ago I would have less patience, more anger and my soul was not ready to nurture. I have learned to care, be more warm. to understand that role and that I am ready. I am more calm and embrace differences. 

I am a better wife 4yrs ago we were not even married yet and holy shit the things I have learned. Can you say moving too fast. Jason and I have really grown into an amazing couple. Yes we were all the time, but we really do love each other so much more then 4 yrs ago. I am more relaxed and understand our differences and we work together like clock work.

You know when people say things happen for a reason, I do not fully believe that. I believe that things happen when they are supposed to. I believe that I wasn't ready to be a parent, although I do not believe that not being able to have a child happened because it was supposed to, but I believe that I was meant to wait. To take the time to become a complete person, to be stronger, calmer and more full of life so that I can create a beautiful life for my child. I know deep down that my child will come to me when it is supposed to I just wish I knew the date, which it came to me in a dream. (I will not tell you until it happens.)

I believe that I am supposed to be waiting, to learn and embrace this journey although I want it now I am learning to enjoy this ride. If I stop stressing and worrying about it it will just come to me like I have asked it to. Looking back I cannot believe 4yrs have gone by and everyday I have wanted something. There is a numbness and disbelief that one day Jason and I will be parents. We share moments of anger and frustration but somedays it is joy. We will be parents. 

We are ready whenever you are!!!

Love Mom and Dad