The days are going by, some feel like you will never arrive, others feel like we are going to get the call this second, some feel like everyone is out to remind me that I do not have a child, and others feel like this is all a dream.
We have gotten so used to not having you here that we sometimes forget that we are expecting. It feels good to let go of the thoughts and struggles that we are waiting just to clear our heads. It makes days go by faster when we do not think about you. But it hurts how many days have gone by.
Today was a day where everyone was mentioning pregnancy, having children or starting a family. I mean strangers, checkout clerks, bank tellers. They were all out to make me feel shitty about my situation. To make me feel like it will never happen for us. Today was hard. I found out 4 people in my life are expecting. Not friends or family but people I run into doing errands and such. They do not know I am expecting because my belly is not swollen. There are no signs that my heart is breaking and growing at the same time. Everyone is excited to share the news of their new bundle of joy even to complete strangers, why is it ok? There is that quote about everyone is fighting a hard battle that is so true. I know if I was pregnant I would be just like them, but I am NOT. I know the other side. I know what it feels like to be heartbroken in the bank, and grocery store. I know what it is like to rush out of the store and cry in your car because some stranger was so happy to be pregnant and to tell me. I am suppose to be understanding and I am suppose to take it because this is the hand I was dealt. I do, I accept this. But today I am angry, sad, frustrated and hurt. I have never been so good at smiling an offer a congratulations at the same time as my heart is being torn out and thrown on the floor and walked on.
There is absolutely nothing anyone can do. That is why infertility goes on without being spoken about. On this journey you feel isolated from everyone who has not gone through this. No one understands this unless they have experienced it themselves. I will never experience childbirth but if you talk to the women in my life about the amount of questions I have asked and continue to ask about childbirth they will say too many. I get right in there and ask the questions you shouldn't. I was blessed to experience my niece being born into this world and in my situation now I am so grateful to have been able to experience it. I was so interested in what was going on, every detail, the amount of pain, etc. I even played with the placenta. And nothing has changed. I am still interested in knowing about the proceess, what the mother goes through. It is a miracle. An Absolute Miracle. What I am trying to say is just because a woman is dealing with infertility doesn't mean you don't ask them how they are doing just as I don't stop asking my pregnant friends how they are doing because I cannot get pregnant.
I do not have the answers to make the situation better. No one does. But I would rather be talking about my adoption then not. If it isn't spoken about it isn't happening, we aren't expecting. If we talk about someone else expecting and ignoring the adoption it hurts. If we openly share our stories, and talk about what is happening and one day a woman who is facing infertility and who opened her heart to adoption will be able to stand up to the bank teller and say," So am I, through adoption" without hesitation. Proudly stand there and not worry about the questions to follow.
Every morning I wake up I hope this is the day. The day I get to hold you, the day I get to meet you.
Love L
