We've spoken a bit about the emotional toll that waiting for an adoption can take. Lauren and I sat in adoption seminars early on in the process, and listened to some brave adoptive parents who volunteered their placement stories for all of us attending to listen to.
I'll never forget the one couple who spoke of their wait, being on the adoption list for almost 3 years. How the process to even get on the list was arduous, and through all the time they were waiting it took a real toll on them as individuals, but also on their relationship.
At a point in that third year - they had almost given up hope completely. It almost broke their marriage, and it seemed like it would never happen. Then literally days after they had gone through one of the roughest patches in their wait... their baby arrived. It was so emotional listening to them speak, as you could sense the pain that they want through, but how that pain manifested itself into the biggest joy of their lives. The couple told all of us couples listening to not give up the journey. Because if they had done so, then they wouldn't have their child today, and it would have completely broken them and changed their lives forever.
That experience stuck with us, and especially for me. I remember listening to this couple's story and thinking "wow, that's a crazy long time - but we'll never have to wait that long" <-- coming from the brain of one of the most naive guys on the planet! The average wait time once you are accepted and put on the adoption list is about a year and a half.
We knew of some couples who waited only a few months before they got the call, and for those first few months Lauren and I really thought that it would happen at any moment. By the time we started on the list we had already had the baby's room ready, all of the baby clothes, cloth diapers, crib, change table, monitor, etc. everything was in it's place!
Especially when we were going somewhere, travelling, or going through an important stage in life. We'd be thinking, "well, it's
probably going to happen when we're doing this!" every time we said that, calling out to the universe... and the call never came. But our optimism stayed high.
Soon we hit what I call the "emotional test pattern". If you can remember (before our 24-hour 1000 TV channel culture) the test pattern was something that came on late night TV channels when they had nothing to air. Basically a static plain colored multi-colored image with a simple monotone beep in the background.
It was that second Christmas on the adoption list, that I feel hit us the hardest. Christmas time is difficult when you are dealing with infertility, as it's a time to celebrate with families, but also centered on kids & them opening presents. But this particular Christmas it hit us like an emotional mack truck.
Lauren and I have always been big on family and family gatherings, but it started to become more painful to attend them. Especially that particular Christmas, because that marked about a year and a half at that point (the wait list average) - so we were so hopeful that we would get the call by then. And then when it didn't... it really took a toll.
For me, after that time, life was pretty much put on hold. We started to live as if the call might not happen at all, because that's the only way we knew how to be. A resounding number of fears started coming over us.
Is the adoption call going to happen? If it hasn't happened yet, was it meant to?
Were we going to even be good parents? Are we going to be miserable?
Was our marriage going to last? How long could we keep doing this?
The baby that we meet, how are they going to feel connected to us if we're not their birth parents?
Will the time ever come when we're truly happy again?
As an example of this emotional pause on life - I have always worked in family dining restaurant settings, and I couldn't even talk to tables/parents with babies at the table. If there was food to be ran to a table with a baby I would often ask someone else to do it. One night during this time I remember looking out into the restaurant dining room and saw a woman with a small baby, but this woman looked in my mind to hold a resemblance to Lauren. I couldn't contain myself and I broke down, headed to the office, closed the door and started to weep. One of the servers came and found me and simply gave her boss a big hug, and I started to realize the pain I was trying to hide. Lauren also realized the same pain, whether it was going to a doctor's office seeing a mom and her child or driving past a playground seeing kids playing - these are very *real* emotions that couples with infertility deal with. And this is no way to live!
But one beautiful spring day, the cold and lonely winter had ended, and the phone call eventually came. One morning we were sitting there eating breakfast in the Starlite Diner, talking about our weekend ahead - and just a few hours later our son was in our arms.
You would think that this is when the depression ended. Well no, not quite! Sure we were overjoyed - and shocked, surprised, scared.... a whole wide range of emotions were released. But then all of a sudden we were faced with our fears yet again. But also the fear in meeting the birthmother, the adoption placement costs that came out of our bank account, sleepless nights, re-arranging our schedules, and more.
What also didn't help is that through our long-standing depression (primarily the last year or so), our eating got out of control and we dealt with weight gain. But once the adoption happened, it got even worse. But I think all new parents go through that!! It's called a whole lot of coffee, lack of sleep, sugar cravings, eating quickly, not focused on you, because it's all about that little person!
Plus, you add in that cocktail of sleepless nights, long work days for me (and away from Lauren), bad eating, caffeine crashes, etc.
Even though our son was now here we still dealt with a lot of un-resolved pain. However through a lot of dedication and hard work, we're back on track to becoming happy again.
One quote that I found really sums up our emotional journey:
"There are two basic motivating forces: Fear and Love. When we are afraid, we pull back from life. When we are in love, we open to all that life has to offer with passion, excitement, and acceptance" - John Lennon
We have worked through getting rid of our fear, and accepting all of the love.
The call did happen, exactly right on time. Because that wait brought us to Owen.
We are going to be great parents, we are funny, loving, and nurturing.
We can do this, and will do this great together.
Owen is not connected to us by blood, but connected by our hearts.
There is no need to be afraid anymore, the time is here, and it's everything we wanted.
On a beautiful day like today, it makes me reflect on just how incredible our journey has been. Today, we were outside with Owen enjoying the sunshine, playing in the grass, laughing, and soaking up everything. But most importantly, we are starting to love ourselves again just as much as we love Owen. We're eating better, sleeping more, relaxing more, losing weight, laughing more, just starting to love and live life again.
We're focused on moving away from negative forces in our lives, and absorb what we know will make us stronger and fill us with more passion for life. I know that I have recently worked through fears, and continue to grow as a man, a husband, and a father. But as long as I've been honest with Lauren about how I've felt, whether it be good or bad, and shared that pain together, it strengthens our love together.
And when you've gone through everything you've gone through, all you simply have to do is look at this face. How can you resist *not* to love?? I mean... seriously cute!
Fear will not exist when you focus on love, being true to yourself, and the love for each other and for our family. We will go through all the ups and downs of life, but no matter what happens to us, it won't be perfect, but in the end we will always have each other.
As we focus on the good and what we need to absorb in our lives to eliminate that fear, we continue to move on to bigger and better things and re-discover the happiness and love that brought Lauren and I together almost 10 years ago.
By never giving up on our love, Owen came to us. That love will always be there, and that love will conquer all fears. Forever.
- Jason
