..but when>

We hit the 26 month mark 2 days from now. My heart is broken open. While my family is welcoming a new baby into their arms I am sad. I cannot describe this feeling of joy for my cousins and feel so much sadness. They know I love them no matter how I am feeling and is no way because of them. It is because of what Jason and I are facing. Watching someone get what you have wanted for 6 yrs is heart breaking. I am grateful for my life and what I have. I am blessed to have the life I have and everyday I fight to see it and not stay in bed. In the past I have asked myself why did this happen to us, why is our strength being tested but I never put to much weight into it. I have faced this journey head held high and open to what ever lied before us. I am not so sure I can do that any more. Why us? Why has it been so long? What is the lesson I am supposed to be learning? I have learned so much more then other married couples about life, marriage, myself, Jason and people around us, our journey.  Isn't that enough? I am broken and my strength is weakening. I cannot take much more.

Last Christmas was horrible to put it mildly. I want it to be January and skip this season. I want to stay away from everyone and not celebrate a damn thing. I know family and friends will be good for me but I am done putting on a happy face when inside my heart is broken open. I have been strong and faced this for 6 yrs and I am tired of playing the game.

I know you are saying one day it will be my turn, but when?
I know my day will come but when?
I know the right baby hasn't come along yet but when?
I know that everything happens for a reason but when?
I know that this is the journey but when?
...but when.

If only it were that easy

Lauren and I went to a retail store today, as a couple a little younger than us was shopping down the aisle.

Noticed a little guy next to us, maybe 2-3 years old, blonde hair, little glasses, so cute he could have been cast in Jerry Maguire.

The little guy had a toy in his hand, runs towards his parents, but stops in front of my feet, looks up and offers the toy up to me.

"Beckham!" the Mom says, "Mommy is over here!"

Little guy smile at me and then runs over to his Mom.

"So cute!" I said.

"Yah, well.. you can have him." she said with a joking smile.

..............

Lauren and I looked at each other in a gaze.

if only it were that easy 



JB