We hit the 26 month mark 2 days from now. My heart is broken open. While my family is welcoming a new baby into their arms I am sad. I cannot describe this feeling of joy for my cousins and feel so much sadness. They know I love them no matter how I am feeling and is no way because of them. It is because of what Jason and I are facing. Watching someone get what you have wanted for 6 yrs is heart breaking. I am grateful for my life and what I have. I am blessed to have the life I have and everyday I fight to see it and not stay in bed. In the past I have asked myself why did this happen to us, why is our strength being tested but I never put to much weight into it. I have faced this journey head held high and open to what ever lied before us. I am not so sure I can do that any more. Why us? Why has it been so long? What is the lesson I am supposed to be learning? I have learned so much more then other married couples about life, marriage, myself, Jason and people around us, our journey. Isn't that enough? I am broken and my strength is weakening. I cannot take much more.
Last Christmas was horrible to put it mildly. I want it to be January and skip this season. I want to stay away from everyone and not celebrate a damn thing. I know family and friends will be good for me but I am done putting on a happy face when inside my heart is broken open. I have been strong and faced this for 6 yrs and I am tired of playing the game.
I know you are saying one day it will be my turn, but when?
I know my day will come but when?
I know the right baby hasn't come along yet but when?
I know that everything happens for a reason but when?
I know that this is the journey but when?
...but when.
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