It's been a while since Lauren and I have posted anything on our blog, and I didn't realize it until just a few days ago. Seems that I have been trying to not think about the adoption, but I have a story about how that quickly changed.
My story goes, that the other day I was walking through the restaurant that I manage (the same as any other day) except that when I looked out into the dining room to see the patrons eating, I focused in on what seemed to be a Grandmother, her Daughter and a new born baby. When I looked at the Mother closer she had black-rimmed glasses, brown-reddish hair and in my mind had a striking resemblance to Lauren. When the Mother took her baby out of the highchair and put the beautiful little one on up on her shoulder, I became frozen in place.
Emotions came over me that I didn't consciously realize were there. I couldn't stop my eyes from welling up with tears, as I imagined the love of my life holding the most special thing that we have been waiting for, for so long. Tears of joy quickly became tears of sadness and embarrassment as I quickly tried to hide my emotions from my staff and those around me.
I went back to my office, closed the door and wiped away what tears I had left, trying to cope with the overwhelming sadness that had overcame my heart. And I came to the realization that I have been holding back so many emotions about waiting for our child, that I was holding them in a sort of emotional test pattern, waiting for that day to come when we get that phone call and I could start to feel again about becoming a father and having a new baby.
The other thing that I understood is that this entire adoption process didn't start last September when we got on the list. We have been trying to have children now for 4 YEARS, and the game of waiting just smacked me in the face when I least expected it.
I made sure when I came home that I told Lauren because we needed to share those feelings, and let her know that I felt this way. Working so hard to suppress these specific emotions can make you a rock, but can anyone then get in? Going forward I have to realize what my heart and mind are telling me, and not be afraid to express those openly with LC because what we are going through is not easy by any means.
Both her and I are learning to dance in the rain of this storm that is testing our patience, our love, and our commitment. But we can't wait for the clouds to part, we just have to keep dancing... and not look up, because soon the sunshine will come and our lives will change forever.
- Jason
