There are times where Lauren and I are so optimistic and focus on being happy about our adoption process, that we easily flow our emotions out onto our blog and talk about it with our friends and family.
But waiting to be parents for years now, brings its share of ups and downs, and is a real emotional rollercoaster to say the least.
Our focus this year has been to "Breathe". To accept where things take us, and that it is all a part of a bigger plan to bring us to that next step. Easier said than done, but we've just started our climb again to a more positive place after dipping into a month of real lows. Just like a rollercoaster, sometimes you slowly start climbing and enjoying the beautiful view... only for an unexpected drop to bring you crashing down.
One of the things we figured out we never really talk about are the close calls. The opportunities that never turn out. What we mean by that, is that with our adoption agency we have a profile. With our own personal profile, comes our adoption book, which highlights who we are, where we've come from, and how the birthmom could see ourselves as parents.
So when a birthmother makes a decision about adoption, a social worker will meet them, get in touch with our adoption agency, and then the mother has to not only be incredibly brave about the path she has chosen, but then make the most difficult decision of all - which parents to pick.
What profiles the social worker shows the mom is usually based on profiles, but also their spot on the adoption list, depending also on the situation at hand.
So many of you don't know, that we recently had a call.
There was a birthmom in the region who had chosen adoption, and in fact was having the baby the day we were contacted. Not because we were chosen, but because the agency wanted to make us aware about the situation, and for us to be prepared because Lauren and I could have to drop everything we were doing and go to the hosptial at any time. The birthmom had our file and was looking at it (along with others).
Myself, I tried to stay grounded, but a lot of emotions come welling up inside you which you can't avoid. I was at work when Lauren called me, and I had trouble focusing. Good thing my work is very fast paced and never has a dull moment, because I tried to bury myself in my job... but emotionally I was a wreck.
Was this finally going to be it after years of waiting?
Who is the birthmom?
What does she look like?
Is it going to be a boy or a girl?
Have Lauren and I really figured out a name yet?
Is the nursery all ready?
How do I change a diaper?
Is the birthmom going to like us?
Where do we have to go?
..................etc, etc, all night long
Neither Lauren or I got a lot of sleep. We tried to stay calm, and we waited for that call. Sometimes these things don't happen right away. It's all up to the birthmom. But we were ready at any time.
The phone never rang that night.
I went to work, Lauren did her art show.... still waiting for an update.
No phone call that next day. We went about our business.
The following day. Still no call. Our hearts sunk.
Then I called up the adoption agency after that to get an update. The birthmom had a healthy baby, and had chosen another couple on the list. They couldn't tell us why necessarily, because in this case it was such an instant placement that it could have been anything. The other parents had other kids, and we didn't. They lived in Northern Alberta... and still from there you will never really know why.
But all we know is that it wasn't meant to be. But this wasn't the first time.
We cry a little. Then we cry a lot. Our depression and sadness comes out in frustration, that we fight. We say things to each other that we don't mean. It took a lot of soul searching, but we've come out of this again, and are able to talk about our sadness to each other.
No matter how much pain we go through, we still know that it will all be worth it.
We can't give up. We won't give up.
For right now, Lauren and I have updated our profile book for the third time. We will share it with all of you, so you can see what the prospective birthmom is going to see. We've probably over-analyzed this book more than you all know.
Thank you to everyone for your continued encouragement and love. Remember don't hesitate to ask us "How is the adoption?"
It doesn't hurt. We want to tell you. We need to tell you.
Jason & Lauren
