That was hard!

I was so naive to think this would be okay. That keeping us busy would help us deal with the holiday. I feel stupid that I didn't see it coming. I am so happy this year is coming to an end and Christmas is over. Decorations are coming down and I am done with it all. December was hard but we manage to get through it, kept ourselves busy with friends, and lots to do. We thought we were through the worst but the 24th came and it hit us like a brick wall. I expressed my fears of this holiday to friends and family and some said just relax, its about the kids just focus on the activities and it will be okay. I had Jason by my side and it was here if we liked it or not. We faced it head on but what happened was so far from what we imagined. We arrived with smiles on our faces and started off to be pretty good, got the food going and then presents.

You have to remember I am the only sibling out of 3 who does not have children, My brothers and their families were there along with my Grandma and parents. It was great to be surrounded by them at Christmas and they did nothing different then any other Christmas.

The kids gathered around room in between all the adults and we started handing out gifts. Immediately I realised that this was going bad. We were told just focus on the kids, it is all about the kids. Right, other peoples kids, Not ours.It was very apparent that we don't have kids in that very moment. My mother gave us each a sentimental gift which set us to a new level of sadness, but we loved the gift. We realised our perspective on Christmas was forever changed. Although I was in my glory seeing my nieces and nephews open their gifts my heart was split wide open in pain for our empty crib.

I try not to say to much to my family on our feelings at the time of a incident because the intention was not how is was received. Because no one in that room knows what it is like to go through this. I do not expect them to understand or change what happened. As a couple dealing with infertility we need to protect ourselves and we didn't. Our feelings immediately turned to anger, resentment, frustration and we had to get out of there. Which was the hardest thing I have ever done. My infertility effected more then me not conceiving, it effected me not celebrating with the ones I love.

No one could do anything. I would never expect them to. I never would want things to change in my parents house at Christmas. This is our reality right now. This is our perspective. But it will change, we will have a little one one day and we will be a part of that. This is no ones fault, even though there are things we could have done to not put ourselves in that situation it still isn't our fault. It is just what happens.

We went home had a nice evening with just us two and went to bed early. We had a great Christmas morning and celebrated each other. We had my folks and Grandma and my Dad's brother Randy over for Christmas afternoon and dinner and it was nice having a no kid Christmas day. We love kids but it was nice not thinking about it.

Although it ended nice I am glad our the holidays are coming to an end.