This one is tough!!!

This feeling I have today I know is temporary but it doesn't mean that the emotions I have are less valid.
I am a "someday" Mommy, one day I will get that call, I will become an instant Mom. Because I do not know when that will come does that mean women who are adopting are not mothers at all. Does it mean that because you cannot see a child, a date of expecting that my experience raising your kids is not worth a day of celebration.

My feelings are mixed. I have women in my life that inspire me to stay strong and it will be worth it, I have other women that should be supportive of me and have abandoned me altogether. The women in my life that inspire me to be the best mother in the world know who they are, they are there day to day, week to week, phone call to email. The ones that don't are not reading this. They don't call, they don't ask questions, they show no support in my journey altogether. I am sadden by this. 

We should celebrate Mom's, Aunts, Sisters, Friends, who have children, who have said goodbye to children, who are expecting, Mother's and children who find this day painful, the Someday Moms and the women that are in your child's life. We should be celebrating Women who make a difference in children's lives, no matter who they are. Even Single Dads.

Women of infertility know what I am talking about, the emptiness in your soul that sits and waits, and is still waiting. The unknown is there everyday and is very present on this day. Where everyone has overlooked you because you are not a Mom. That feels like a knife in the heart. I am aware I do not have a child. I feel it everyday I wake up, every time I look at my phone to see if the CALL came, and every night I got to bed my heart still aches. I am aware. 

I do not want pity messages from this blog, I want who ever is reading this to take a look at who in their life did they miss to thank, not just today but everyday. 

Lauren

Favourite things.

I want to hear from our family, friends and our loyal followers what they love about their kids. I do not want to hear that you LOVE them. I want to hear about habits, personality quirks, funny stories you will never forget. What makes you smile about them when you are not with them?

I also want to hear about the stories from parents of grown children. What do you remember about your kids growing up, What you cherish?

GO!!!

Lauren

you can send your stories to jayandlaurenburns@gmail.com and make sure you let us know if you we can share them or not.

This is one my Uncle Dick shared with me last year about my cousin Stephen.

As a family they would go to a farm to get their chickens. It was the 80's so things were not done they way they are now. Every time they would go to pick up the chickens the farmer's house was a mess. Not disgusting but always messy and especially the kitchen after they killed the chickens. On this particular time Stephen and Ryan had to go with their Dad. Uncle Dick had to tell Stephen not to say anything about how messy their house was. Stephen assured his Dad that he wouldn't say a thing. The pick up went okay, got the chickens, paid and they were on their way out when Stephen had one last thing to say. 

"Your house is very clean." 

Uncle Dick described that moment in such away that I would do it no justice but I could feel Uncle Dicks embarrassment almost 25 yrs later. Stephen did what his Dad asked him to do and not talk about how messy their home was so Uncle Dick said he couldn't really get mad at him.

One for that TV show Kids say the funniest things!!

I like adoption....

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=rztYMMhMT2Y


I wish that it didn't matter if you had the money or not. To adopt internationally money would not be an issue. Adoption should be more accessible to everyone, so that orphans were not orphans for long. The wait would be the same but I would be able to adopt as many babies as I wanted, just as you were able to give birth to as many babies as you wanted.

That is my wish for today.

Lauren

!@#*$# $#@!**

I swear to much. I take the lords name in vain to much. I want to clean up my mouth. I am not against swearing and there is definitely time for a good ol'F bomb now and then. But sometimes I swear so much that I breath F bombs. Ok not that bad. Ok yes it is.

I am not doing this for my child, my mom or anyone else I just feel it is time to improve this area of ME.

Wish me luck!

Change

The past couple of years I have chosen a word of the year. This word describes challenges, inspirations and even motivation. This year my word is ENOUGH but lately I have realised I have another word. A word for Jason and I. CHANGE. It definitely describes where we are and where we are going. I feel we are in a holding pattern but everyday we keep changing. Which is a weird way to describe it but that is what we have.
We are the lucky ones that get to wait for our baby, we have been given time to consider what we want to be as parents, who we will be as Mom and Dad. How will I raise my child to be a good human being. That answer was easy, How I will do that is be one myself. My parents, along with Jason's gave us the basics, morals and values that still to this day I hold close and follow in my daily life. But with this time I have gone far beyond those basics.
I have also learned life can be taken from you very quickly. That devastation hurts and will continue to hurt forever. Disease and sickness is very apparent in our society and has become some what the norm when I look around. Given the time to wait we made the decision ENOUGH is ENOUGH, Janaury 8th we took the plunge. We threw out all processed foods, wheat and POP. We have made this promise to our child that we will be healthy and happier by CHANGING our way of life. Almost 3 months later Jason has lost a significant amount of weight and I have gained muscle and lost inches. With removing foods that cause disease and sickness we feel clearer, have more energy and happy about ourselves. Although we are still learning and battling old habits we have CHANGED for good. No going back.
Along this journey I have discovered what inspiration and motivation can really do for me. I have come to rely on both to get me to my fitness class everyday, to get me out of bed and wait for that phone call, to get my butt to work with a smile on my face, and to realise that everyday will turn out how you want it too. I can really see this change in me in my artwork. My art has never been so inspiring and it is because it comes from a true place in my soul. I am inspiring others along my journey to stay above the water.

With all this I am becoming a better person, friend, boss, daughter, Aunt, and one day Mother.

....The Waiting Game...

It's been a while since Lauren and I have posted anything on our blog, and I didn't realize it until just a few days ago.  Seems that I have been trying to not think about the adoption, but I have a story about how that quickly changed.

My story goes, that the other day I was walking through the restaurant that I manage (the same as any other day) except that when I looked out into the dining room to see the patrons eating, I focused in on what seemed to be a Grandmother, her Daughter and a new born baby.  When I looked at the Mother closer she had black-rimmed glasses, brown-reddish hair and in my mind had a striking resemblance to Lauren.  When the Mother took her baby out of the highchair and put the beautiful little one on up on her shoulder, I became frozen in place.

Emotions came over me that I didn't consciously realize were there.  I couldn't stop my eyes from welling up with tears, as I imagined the love of my life holding the most special thing that we have been waiting for, for so long. Tears of joy quickly became tears of sadness and embarrassment as I quickly tried to hide my emotions from my staff and those around me.  

I went back to my office, closed the door and wiped away what tears I had left, trying to cope with the overwhelming sadness that had overcame my heart.  And I came to the realization that I have been holding back so many emotions about waiting for our child, that I was holding them in a sort of emotional test pattern, waiting for that day to come when we get that phone call and I could start to feel again about becoming a father and having a new baby.

The other thing that I understood is that this entire adoption process didn't start last September when we got on the list.  We have been trying to have children now for 4 YEARS, and the game of waiting just smacked me in the face when I least expected it.

I made sure when I came home that I told Lauren because we needed to share those feelings, and let her know that I felt this way.  Working so hard to suppress these specific emotions can make you a rock, but can anyone then get in?  Going forward I have to realize what my heart and mind are telling me, and not be afraid to express those openly with LC because what we are going through is not easy by any means.

Both her and I are learning to dance in the rain of this storm that is testing our patience, our love, and our commitment.  But we can't wait for the clouds to part, we just have to keep dancing... and not look up, because soon the sunshine will come and our lives will change forever.


- Jason