..but when>

We hit the 26 month mark 2 days from now. My heart is broken open. While my family is welcoming a new baby into their arms I am sad. I cannot describe this feeling of joy for my cousins and feel so much sadness. They know I love them no matter how I am feeling and is no way because of them. It is because of what Jason and I are facing. Watching someone get what you have wanted for 6 yrs is heart breaking. I am grateful for my life and what I have. I am blessed to have the life I have and everyday I fight to see it and not stay in bed. In the past I have asked myself why did this happen to us, why is our strength being tested but I never put to much weight into it. I have faced this journey head held high and open to what ever lied before us. I am not so sure I can do that any more. Why us? Why has it been so long? What is the lesson I am supposed to be learning? I have learned so much more then other married couples about life, marriage, myself, Jason and people around us, our journey.  Isn't that enough? I am broken and my strength is weakening. I cannot take much more.

Last Christmas was horrible to put it mildly. I want it to be January and skip this season. I want to stay away from everyone and not celebrate a damn thing. I know family and friends will be good for me but I am done putting on a happy face when inside my heart is broken open. I have been strong and faced this for 6 yrs and I am tired of playing the game.

I know you are saying one day it will be my turn, but when?
I know my day will come but when?
I know the right baby hasn't come along yet but when?
I know that everything happens for a reason but when?
I know that this is the journey but when?
...but when.

If only it were that easy

Lauren and I went to a retail store today, as a couple a little younger than us was shopping down the aisle.

Noticed a little guy next to us, maybe 2-3 years old, blonde hair, little glasses, so cute he could have been cast in Jerry Maguire.

The little guy had a toy in his hand, runs towards his parents, but stops in front of my feet, looks up and offers the toy up to me.

"Beckham!" the Mom says, "Mommy is over here!"

Little guy smile at me and then runs over to his Mom.

"So cute!" I said.

"Yah, well.. you can have him." she said with a joking smile.

..............

Lauren and I looked at each other in a gaze.

if only it were that easy 



JB

I don't want the snow to fall

The season is growing cold.

I don't want the snow to fall,
it makes me think of another year past.
The thought of not having you,
for another winter, long and cold.

I don't want the snow to fall,
even though our Love outlasts,
the waiting and the pain,
of not having you to hold.

I don't want the snow to fall,
when we see kids outside playing.
Knowing that we sit inside waiting,
for the phone that doesn't ring.

I don't want the snow to fall,
the spring was our season of hope.
We said the "sun was coming",
but now we know that we must cope.

I don't want the snow to fall,
but we must know the sun is still shining.
Behind the grey whispers of cloud,
the chill, and the damp cold snow.

I don't want the snow to fall,
but we know we must keep going.
Because while we stay strong knowing,
our spring will come again.



- Jason

30 People we bet you didn't know were adopted..

Lauren and I tend to meet people all the time, that when they find out we are adopting, tell us about how they, or someone in their family or friend had gone through the adoption process.  We love hearing their stories.

But on a fun note, did you know these famous people were adopted?  Many are individuals that we admire, so it makes us want to know their life story even more:

Maya Angelou (poet and author)

Truman Capote (author)

“Anyone who ever gave you confidence, you owe them a lot.” – Truman Capote

Eric Clapton (singer)

John Lennon

President Bill Clinton

“Perhaps there is no greater miracle than finding a loving home for a child who needs one.” – President Bill Clinton

Nat King Cole (singer)

Bo Diddley (musician)

President Gerald Ford

Jamie Foxx

Faith Hill

“I have a lot of respect for my birth mother…I know she must have had a lot of love for me to want to give me what she felt was a better chance.” – Faith Hill

Scott Hamilton (professional skater)

Kristin Chenoweth (actress)

John Hancock (U.S. Founding Father)

Steve Jobs (co-founder of Apple)

Eartha Kitt (singer, actress)

Art Linkletter (TV personality)

Nelson Mandela

“There can be no keener revelation of a society’s soul than the way in which it treats its children.” – Nelson Mandela

Tim McGraw

Sarah McLachlan

Ray Liotta

Marilyn Monroe

Melissa Gilbert

Frances McDormand

Ingrid Bergman

ICE-T

Michael Oher (NFL Football player, story inspired The Blind Side)

“It’s true that we can’t help the circumstances we’re born into and some of us start out in a much tougher place than other people. But just because we started there doesn’t mean we have to end there.” – Michael Oher

Edgar Allen Poe

First Lady Nancy Reagan

First Lady Eleanor Roosevelt

Babe Ruth

Leo Tolstoy (author)

Michael Bay (movie director)

Dave Thomas (founder of Wendy’s, children’s advocate)

“Everyone’s got to be for a child to have a home and love. I mean, I don’t know anyone who would be against that.” – Dave Thomas

Our 3rd Home Study

We met with our Social Worker today, to complete our 3rd official Home Study assessment for our adoption process.  It's exciting to talk about the adoption, but more importantly I think Lauren and I both enjoyed looking back on the year that was.

What is a home study?  Well to become parents through adoption, the agency needs to make sure we qualify, both as people, and the proper living environment for the adopted baby.  Now don't get me wrong, over 2 years ago when we had our first home assessment it was one of the most difficult things we both had probably gone through up until that point.  You explore everything about yourself, and in your relationship.  How you are as people, how you react to problems, how you fight, how you plan to parent, etc.etc. the list is long and I'm sure you all can guess what kind of questions are asked.

But now at this point, we need to update our social worker as to how things are, how we are coping, any changes in life, and in home.

So being able to see how far we have come in our own personal, but also professional lives over the past year was rather gratifying.  Lauren and I have both grown a lot, making new positive connections with more incredible people who are helping to enrich our lives, and really creating an even more loving home that is prepared for the little one.

If there was one word that came out of the meeting in reflection, it was how "balanced" we have become.  Lauren of course is now working full-time as an artist (which is her dream), and her business is not only growing and becoming more successful, but it has helped balanced her soul and given purpose to the hard work she has put in.  For me, it is pretty similar.  I've been able to have the courage to out-grow where I was working, and move on to a new job that not only allows me to have more balance... but embraces it.  Our passions are both being fulfilled, and in some ways are grateful that when the adoption happens it really will in fact be at the right time (sounds cliche, but really is true!).

Plus, coming out of a meeting with our social worker just empowers us to be more ready, and gets us excited.  We couldn't be more happy then when she is able to tell us how both Lauren and I have changed and grown since our first assessment over two years ago.  

Many couples have given up by this point, and we know it.  But being able to reflect on the past year just gives us more resolve that we are moving down the right path.

Can't wait for the next step!  Not long now.

Jason & Lauren

Another year older....

                   

         

Last year I sat here writing this post about my 35th birthday click here to read Tonight I feel the same way. Your birthday hasn't come and I face another. Birthdays are supposed to make you feel important and special and I know that my friends, family and all who love me will express it, but my heart aches and my birthday is just a reminder that I am still waiting for yours.


Waiting for you has made me see the world differently, to feel differently, to be grateful, to experience life with knowing you are missing. I have learned a lot about myself, about my marriage and about life.  I still turn your light on in your room to fill it with light until it is filled with giggles and tiny foot steps. I still jump for the phone and hope its you calling. I wish I could stop growing and wait to do it with you. But I can't. I have grown into this woman that I have wanted to become. My dream has come true and I am an artist. My courage has grown to face each day with open arms. My bravery has doubled in facing life without you. My heart has grown so big filling with all my love for you. Your Dad and I have faced challenges that we never thought would happen. We have grown stronger and closer waiting for you, through the dark times we always seem to come out into light when we think of you.

I never imagined that my life would bring me to you, now that I wait for you I have become numb in the daily waiting for the moment you are in my arms. 

My birthday wish is to stop waiting for you, to hold you, to smell you, to nourish you, to love you! 

Tomorrow is my birthday, and I am still waiting for yours so badly.

-L

                     

❤ Growing in our hearts ❤

We're both very excited about our new necklaces that were specially made for us as we prepare for our third home study.

Keeping our hope close to our hearts.

Made by Sam & Nat