Facing Fear

  Lauren and I do a lot to stay positive.  We have spent a lot of time moving towards and absorbing the positive things and people in our lives.  But fear, pain, and despair will always try to come creeping back in.  What we've learned, is you need to face it.  It's easy to look around, and feel the agony of the wait and the time that has passed.  You can't avoid it (because it always finds you) or it will eat you alive.

  Facing our fears is just as important as moving towards the positive.  We didn't want the winter snow to fall outside last year, symbolically knowing we had to wait another winter without a baby.  But it has, and it is.  There is nothing we can do to change that.  Each night the cold feelings come back to us, and pierce through the darkness of that empty room.  But we turn on the light in the nursery every day, to help shine hope and separate our body from our minds.

  We can then look into the future and see how happy we are going to be.

  Also look over all the amazing people that are in our lives, where we've come from, what we have now, and how happy we already are.

  So the nursery can start with overwhelming sadness, but as we face it, that turns into hope.  I know that now I can pick up the kids toys, thinking about them and how fun it will be.  I can look at all the books we have and how excited I'm going to be reading them.  I can nap in the rocking chair and find peace that it will happen when it happens (it always helps when one of the dogs jumps up and sleeps with me too).


  Music has always been a huge inspiration to me, and I've also taken solace now in many of my favorite artists.  I'm finding songs that I've never really listened too before, and just skipped over.  But now they are starting to hold such great meaning and give me comfort:


Social Distortion - Cold Feelings


  Another beautiful day, another cold night, but we will find our way through it, and turn on that light.

Jason