What I have learned

I haven't posted in awhile, it has been hard for me. Jason is better at posting the things we talk about doing with our kid and how excited we are to be parents. I write about how I feel through this journey. Then I realised I needed to write to get it out of me. So here it goes:::

Yesterday at a Vintage Market that I was so happy to be a part of I met the organizers of the event and the first thing that they told me is that they love following me to be inspired and how positive I am. I was taken a back by that. I try to be as positive as I can be. I try to show everyone they can do it even when things are hard. In my head I am not so much. I am a very good negative talker to myself. I am a pro at it. These ladies didn't know that, they are not in my head. I was very proud to see that I have a good filtering system.

I also have been comparing Jason and I, and on how we are both handling this process. We had a discussion the other day, brought on by me, about how long we should we wait. I am no where near stopping due to my need and want for a child but the thought has entered my head lately. I finally said it out loud. At that moment I realised I am more negative, and Jason is more positive. Maybe that is why we get a long so well. I state the negative of everything and he turns it around to be positive. So much has happened to us, when I list it is surprising the luck we have had, and through that he has held me up, made me see the positive side and it always turns out for the better because they way we absorb the luck, with a positive attitude.

Something also stuck with me in the past couple of weeks. While we were building our fence with my parents we started talking about the adoption which randomly happens time to time and my father said something that I will never forget. "I am surprised it has taken this long, I thought it would have happened by now". I was happy he said it. My parents have been more then supportive of our adoption and I always talk to my Mom when I am down or need advice. The first part of the year we have had a few large speed bumps and my Dad has really helped Jason and I through them.  I didn't think much of it at the time but we went back to work on the fence and it has stuck with me. My Dad has been waiting too!! He doesn't really talk about emotional stuff but knowing what he said it was a glimpse of how he is feeling. It was comforting to know he has been thinking about it, although I knew he was but communicating it to us made us feel very happy.

We also got through May!! May for us is a month of reminders. It is when we started trying to conceive back in 2009, yes before we got married. It was when we found out I could not carry a child back in 2012. It is now 2014. 5 years. The other week on Facebook a friend was over due for having baby. She got married a month after us and this is her second child. Her status," waiting, waiting..." Now I will never understand what being 9 months pregnant feels like, and I can only imagine she wanted this baby out and I wanted that for her. My initial thought was phff, a week over due try 5yrs of waiting. Time is strange, I know 5 yrs have passed, but am shocked 5 yrs have passed. Its a weird shift in reality. I experienced everyday, some good, some bad, others dragged on, others flew by, but could we have really been on this journey for 5 yrs already. It seems so long, but yet so short.

What I have learned is that my husband takes the lead on positivity and I am his pupil.
What I have learned is that just because it is not stated all the time everyone is waiting.
What I have learned is that time doesn't really matter.

I hope this wasn't hard to read. I had so many thoughts to get out.
Lauren