Cheesy TV Movie

Today after a stressful day I caught a really cheesy TV movie, with Tori Spelling! For all you Yellowknifer's there was a little cameo by Dustin Milligan in it. Don't ask me the name of the movie, but it was about infertility. There was this scene were Tori was crying over her third failed attempt at IVF and she brings up adoption with her husband. He told his story about loosing his parents very young and his grandparents who raised him always would say things like you run like your father, or when you smile you look like your Mom. He said that he wanted to see him in his parents and he wants to see him in his children and vice versa.

I couldn't breath. I started to cry and realized that I won't see characteristics of our parents in our child, or me in my little girl or Jason in his son. My older brother has 3 children spitting images of my brothers and I. We joke all the time that the oldest is like a photocopy of my brother. I won't have this.

Our social worker asked us about this. I remember answering the question and after today I still feel the same way. Having a child isn't about having a mini me, it is about the relationship your create with your child, it is about what you teach your child, it about patience, it is about love. It is not about blood, or similarities.

I am on this journey that very few people in my life have been on. I am so excited for the day we get the call but I will have set backs, and second guess what we are doing. Other days it will hit me like the first time I heard, you cannot carry a child. Today is one of those days. I am sad. That is it. I am sad I will never feel a baby inside me, I will never hear a heartbeat of my child inside me. I will never know the pain of childbirth, or feel my husbands hand wait for a little bump on my tummy.

Some mom's may consider that a blessing but if you think about it would you real[y choose not to have experienced it then to have gone through the birth of your child. Probably not.

I am sad that I don't get to experience a lot of first steps of motherhood, but I will still be a mother. I know the first 9 months are very insignificant to a lifetime of motherhood. That is what I know today.

Lauren