Where's the excitement?

Where is the excitement? Is that really how you spell excitement? hmm, weird ok back to what I was blogging about. This is hard. This process. It is slow and you need to keep your own motivation going. Like in the post about my belly not growing, I spoke about me wanting the same treatment as other expectant moms. Well that will never happen. I know this. It feels weird buying stuff for a baby that no one can see only Jason and I can really feel its presence. Its hard to stay focused, not get discouraged with the wait, paper work and the waiting. It has been 2 mos and by the time we are on the list 3mos. What is the rest of the time going to feel like. When you can see something so clear, and want something so bad and live without it and put your hopes, dreams and trust into the universe and wait for it to answer you. 

I know is the deepest depths of my heart that it will happen, but do I have the strength. I ask myself that everyday. I know that this will be worth it, worth something when I see my baby for the first time and hold its little body in my arms that everything, the waiting, the patience, the fight was worth every moment of struggle. 

The past couple of days have been hard, been locked up in my studio doing tons or art and have had a lot of time to think. Jason has been working his ass off and I have been mostly alone. Which I love until my mind wanders and gets lost in the what ifs. Not good. 

But after my days of solitude I came out with answers. Women who can carry children use the 9 months to create a life. To nurture that life and get ready to create a person. So I will do the same. Just different of course. I will learn and be healthy, I will take classes, starting with my first one tomorrow at 930am. Fatzap is what they call it. Since my surgery I have had my life flipped upside down and my pain gone, I can eat foods that I couldn't before. I am no longer in pain and feel that exercise will be just what I need to pass the time. Wish me luck. This is the first time I am doing this without a friend and in a class where I know no one. This is me making a choice to change for my child. 

It will keep me focused on something and not just the adoption. It will keep me motivated on both journeys and sane at the same time.

-Lauren