Another year older....

                   

         

Last year I sat here writing this post about my 35th birthday click here to read Tonight I feel the same way. Your birthday hasn't come and I face another. Birthdays are supposed to make you feel important and special and I know that my friends, family and all who love me will express it, but my heart aches and my birthday is just a reminder that I am still waiting for yours.


Waiting for you has made me see the world differently, to feel differently, to be grateful, to experience life with knowing you are missing. I have learned a lot about myself, about my marriage and about life.  I still turn your light on in your room to fill it with light until it is filled with giggles and tiny foot steps. I still jump for the phone and hope its you calling. I wish I could stop growing and wait to do it with you. But I can't. I have grown into this woman that I have wanted to become. My dream has come true and I am an artist. My courage has grown to face each day with open arms. My bravery has doubled in facing life without you. My heart has grown so big filling with all my love for you. Your Dad and I have faced challenges that we never thought would happen. We have grown stronger and closer waiting for you, through the dark times we always seem to come out into light when we think of you.

I never imagined that my life would bring me to you, now that I wait for you I have become numb in the daily waiting for the moment you are in my arms. 

My birthday wish is to stop waiting for you, to hold you, to smell you, to nourish you, to love you! 

Tomorrow is my birthday, and I am still waiting for yours so badly.

-L

                     

❤ Growing in our hearts ❤

We're both very excited about our new necklaces that were specially made for us as we prepare for our third home study.

Keeping our hope close to our hearts.

Made by Sam & Nat

Two years!!

When I say it has been 2 years it is unbelievable to me that that much time has gone past. Everyday I am aware that I am waiting for my little one to arrive and everyday it seems impossible. When you look back at time passed it always seemed to have flown by. Our life has become used to the sadness and mundane days of waiting. Life seems to go on, careers grow, and projects get done. Our lives are really great. But inside we hold this sadness. This part of us we hide, or try not to allow it to run our lives.

I want to get the call, I want to meet our birth Mom, I want my baby to be in my arms. I have no control on when this will happen for me. I want to tell the world I am a Mom. I want to do what the women around me get to do, When will it be my turn???

I have heard all the catchy inspirational phrases and trust me I have held onto some so tight that the words hold no meaning any more. I know logically in my mind my baby will come when it comes. But my heart says Fuck off!! and I don't blame it. Things happen for a reason, it will happen when it suppose too, stay positive, your baby is coming, sting like alcohol in an open wound.

Right now we seem numb to the adoption. No news is bad, and nothing is happening. I keep reminding myself that this journey is so much bigger then the waiting part. There is still the match, the meeting, the first 3 months with a new born, 18 years and counting of parent hood. Yes, this is some form of allowed torture but it is going to get way more stressful and harder. I created this piece of art that says" GROW SLOWLY LITTLE ONE BECAUSE SOON YOUR WINGS WILL FLY". not so much for the child who is always so quick to grow up but for the parents to slow down and cherish the child you have, the days they are little. So often we forget that miracle of children and then they are grown. I need to remember this. The waiting part of adoption is slow but as soon as we get that little baby time will pass very fast.



-Lauren

Be our rainbows

It's been a long time since Lauren and I have posted on our blog.

Have we had lots to say?  Sure.  But I think we both had a bit of a rough summer in some regards when it came to the wait for adoption.  Maybe it's because we feel we've been stuck in a loop, and although we kept manifesting different things in our lives to try and bring the adoption to the next step, of course nothing has happened.  There are so many days where I think we are afraid to blog because we don't want to alienate people from the process because they read into our pain and it drives them away.

We know that many people who we know close to us have found it difficult to talk to us about the adoption, or talk to us at all.  Maybe it's because you might have kids of your own, and you feel bad for the state we are in, or the blog is too difficult to read, or you're not sure what to say because you assume we're just depressed until a baby comes into our lives.


Here is a quote from one of the most brilliant writers of our time that rings true:

Try to be a rainbow in someone else's cloud.

~ Maya Angelou

Yes, it is hard, and yes we get sad staring at an empty crib some days, and yes sometimes we don't want to leave our house.  But I think what has lifted us up the most is people asking us how things are, letting us interact and play with their kids, really being any form of support and positive light in our lives.

We need more rainbows, because some days get pretty cloudy.

So know that when you ask us about the adoption, it really makes us smile.  When you ask us about the baby's room, or the birth-mom, or how the process works... it warms our hearts.  When we hug our friend's kids or nieces and nephews... it gives us such a special gift that we cherish.

Thank you to all you who read our blog and follow our story.  And for many who don't know what to say or how to be, just talking with us is all you need to do, or don't hesitate to hug us too, because we love hugs  :)

We appreciate all the love and support that we get, because every bit of it makes us stronger, and shows us the light to what our beautiful future will be like.



Jason & Lauren

Am I a woman?

This question has been bouncing around my mind lately. I recently have switched my Endometriosis medication and that has thrown me for a loop. I am terrified of the meds I am taking to control it because of the high risk of cancer that hormone balancing meds have. The new one is no where near the strength as my last last ones but I feel like it will work with managing my pain moderatley. I have been on them for a month and I am not myself. I feel cloudy and swollen. I don't remember things, I say words when I mean others, I am not as cheerful.  This is menopause. I am a 35 yr old in Menopause. Since finding out I can't have children I find it hard to connect to the women around me. Lately I feel like I am not a woman. I have lost the most powerful experience a woman could have. Our role as women is to be able to create life. I cannot do that.

I know in my head that I am woman and birthing a child doesn't make me one, but it connects me with the women in my life. I have women in my life with fertility issues but they were successful with 1 or multiple pregnancies. I do not know anyone that has not experienced what I feel. I lost part of being a women and with all the hassle and difficulty with pain and meds it reminds everyday of this heart ache.

I also keep thinking about the baby and I know it will be painful as well as joyful to hold my baby for the first time. I have become to numb to world of pregnancies around me and I am just waiting and hoping for the arrival to happen today but I am scared as well. I know that the pain of this feeling will diminish over time and when I become a Mother I can connect to women on other levels but it will take time.


Lauren

PS My meds also effect my emotions and I am up and down all the time. I am emotional.

We need HELP

We need HELP!! yesterday we talked with the agency and we are moving on up. In the next month there are 4 confirmed matches and that would move us to 12. WHAT!! Our profiles are out with 2 birth Moms as we speak. This could happen soon. This could happen soon.

Although we have had almost 2 years to prepare we just started to think of all the stuff we have said we will do when baby arrives but have not narrowed it down. We do not use any cleaning products in our home, we are 100% Norwex lovers. We do not want to use the standard alcohol laced baby wipes or bath products. What are you natural Momma's using?

We need advice on:
 -baby wipes- we are leaning towards warm wash clothes
 -bath products, shampoo,etc - we like olive oil soap or castile soap
 -moisturising cream
 -laundry soap

We are using cloth diapers. We have the entire G-diaper system. So we are not afraid of getting our hands dirty. So any products or ways without products will be extremely helpful.

Also we want to know about formula. I have looked into inducing my own breast milk but it got weird. I have also heard of breast milk banks, not sure what that is all about either. I have gotten a rave review form a friend of a friend about the president's choice formula. I also know it depends solely on our baby but we think we will start there? Any suggestions?

Clothes, we have clothes. Trust me we do but how many do we need for the first 3 months?

Bottles, we have gotten some Born Free bottles and are liking them so far. Again, no baby has tried them out or anything but they seem pretty easy. Suggestions? Do you really need a sanitizer?

Also we just found out our crib, we bought 2 years ago from a garage sale is now not being made any more. We have a crib with the side that slides down. Which is difficult for us even. What do you parents think out there? If you tell us to buy a new one we will expect you to chip in, just kidding!!

We want to baby wear. Any suggestions on wraps would be great. We have a carrier for Jay and I want a wrap. Best and worst ones would be great!!


Adoption is going to happen fast, and if we don't run out and buy all this today we want to know where to go and get it. We do not want to make a decision fast based on necessity and end up going against what we really believe. Natural, Inexpensive parenting!!

Adoption Ink

While reading news, posts, and other things on the computer this morning I came across what seems to be widely regarded as a symbol for Adoption.

Personally, I have never wanted a tattoo my entire life.  Lauren has lots, and I admire her for that, but I have never been motivated to permanently ink my body with anything.  Until now.

The Adoption Symbol - the triangle symbolizes the three sides of adoption:  the birth family, the adopted family and the adoptee.  While the heart intertwined embodies the love involved in the adoption between the three.

Here are just a few examples of what I found out that thousands of adoptive parents and adoptees get tattooed around the world: