Can't

One word I have learned to hate is CAN'T. I have always believed I can do what I want to do and I will do it how I want. The only time I use that word is in my cross fit class when I really have trouble doing something. I have tried to stop using that word because as time goes on I eventually manage to be successful. I am sick of the world telling me that I can't do something.

You CAN"T have children
You CAN'T be an artist 
You CAN'T see the people you want
You CAN'T buy a bigger house
You CAN'T leave your job and work full time on your ART, ( Marissa do not panic)
You CAN'T go on that trip
You CAN'T go on that art retreat
You CAN'T eat that
You CAN'T..................you have to wait!!!

This journey is filled with you can't do that now, hold on, wait until baby comes. 

If someone has any advice on how we can change that so are not is this CAN'T stage any more, we would love it!!!!


Ps, anyone want to buy our house!!!

We aren't the only ones waiting for you!

An Answer to a question??????

We are always very grateful to our family, friends and friends of all of them for the support we get from everyone. We have received many emails with many questions and have responded to many. There has been one question we have gotten a few times from people, and even people just inquiring about how they should get started with adoption.

How are we paying for our adoption?

Some of you are offended and think that is no ones business. Maybe your right. Before our journey even started I wondered how people came up with the large amount of money needed to pay for adoption. I would research and discovered some answers. I never really got the answers I was needing to know how it worked or what ways it could be done. The only answers I really found were from blogs from the States and they would hold fundraisers. Yes, bake sales, car washes, etc.

For us that felt awkward. It was our choice to continue our journey to parenthood through adoption, so it was our responsibility to find a way. 

Before our journey was clear and we were in the fog of not knowing what was going on we were on and off again about buying a bigger house. We were also saving money for one day Lauren could open a business to be able to do her art full time. We had saved some money and at the end of 2011 we decided that we wanted a family more then a big house and Lauren could work and continue to build her art career at the same time.  We took our house off the market and continued to add money to our savings.

When we had our home study done we discovered that many families use many means to adopt. Credit card, home loans, fundraising and money from family are all options to many who want to adopt. We are very grateful that we live in a small house that we love and keep our expenses as low as we can. We live pretty well within our means and we can also save money for the adoption and baby. We chose to put our priorities in order and cut things out that were not as important. A big house, a business came secondary to having a family. 

That is how we are able to afford adoption. We are very open about our journey because we were at the beginning and looking for answers. I hope this helps all who asked that are researching adoption and are wondering if they can afford to adopt. 

Lauren and Jason

"ADOPTION" Poem

"ADOPTION"

Longing for a child to love,
I'd wish upon the stars above.
In my heart I always knew,
a part of me was meant for you.

I think how happy we will be,
once I adopt you and you adopt me.

I dream of all the joy you'll bring,
imagining even the littlest things.
The way it will feel to hold you tight,
and tuck you in every night.

The drawings on the refrigerator door,
childhood toys across the floor.
The favorite stories read again and again,
hours of games with make-believe friends.

The day you took my outstretched hand,
a journey ended, but our lives began.
Still mesmerized by your sweet face,
still warmed inside by our first embrace.

I promised to give you a happy home,
a loving family all your own.
A house you've now made complete,
with laughter, smiles and tiny feet.

A parent is one who guides the way,
know I will be there everyday.
Rest easy as each night you sleep,
a lifetime of love is yours to keep.

Author: Teri Harrison

What I have learned......

Last week I was sick. So what a good time to go through all the hidden piles of junk in closets and drawers. I came across my little ovulation diary from the first month we started to try to get pregnant. First day was May 21, 2009. That made me stop cold. One year ago, May 22, 2012 I found out I could not carry a child. 
I sat on the edge of my bed and stared at the diary. No this isn't right. But there it was. Pretty much the same day that we started trying was also the day we discovered our journey would be different. 

Jason was at work and I had a break down right there. The anger, the upset, devastation. I then picked myself up again, and thought about the past 4 yrs. I am still sad and am facing new challenges as we are waiting but am very grateful for the journey we have been given. I am a different person from that date back in 2009 and even different from last year.

I am stronger, mentally and physically. I surprise myself everyday how physically strong I am becoming, through working out and just taking care of my broken body. Years and years of neglect and self hate I am on the journey I was meant to be on with my body. One day maybe even a marathon runner!! You never really know what will happen ,even if you plan for it.

I am an inspiration. Even 6 months ago I would never have said that. I am still full of self doubt when I type this but friends tell me that all the time. I get random messages from past relationships telling me how inspired they are because of me and my journey. 

I am a better human being. I look at strangers different, I am less judgemental, I am more accepting of others faults and my beliefs have slightly changed. 

I am going to be an awesome Mom. If I became a mother 4 yrs ago I would have less patience, more anger and my soul was not ready to nurture. I have learned to care, be more warm. to understand that role and that I am ready. I am more calm and embrace differences. 

I am a better wife 4yrs ago we were not even married yet and holy shit the things I have learned. Can you say moving too fast. Jason and I have really grown into an amazing couple. Yes we were all the time, but we really do love each other so much more then 4 yrs ago. I am more relaxed and understand our differences and we work together like clock work.

You know when people say things happen for a reason, I do not fully believe that. I believe that things happen when they are supposed to. I believe that I wasn't ready to be a parent, although I do not believe that not being able to have a child happened because it was supposed to, but I believe that I was meant to wait. To take the time to become a complete person, to be stronger, calmer and more full of life so that I can create a beautiful life for my child. I know deep down that my child will come to me when it is supposed to I just wish I knew the date, which it came to me in a dream. (I will not tell you until it happens.)

I believe that I am supposed to be waiting, to learn and embrace this journey although I want it now I am learning to enjoy this ride. If I stop stressing and worrying about it it will just come to me like I have asked it to. Looking back I cannot believe 4yrs have gone by and everyday I have wanted something. There is a numbness and disbelief that one day Jason and I will be parents. We share moments of anger and frustration but somedays it is joy. We will be parents. 

We are ready whenever you are!!!

Love Mom and Dad

This one is tough!!!

This feeling I have today I know is temporary but it doesn't mean that the emotions I have are less valid.
I am a "someday" Mommy, one day I will get that call, I will become an instant Mom. Because I do not know when that will come does that mean women who are adopting are not mothers at all. Does it mean that because you cannot see a child, a date of expecting that my experience raising your kids is not worth a day of celebration.

My feelings are mixed. I have women in my life that inspire me to stay strong and it will be worth it, I have other women that should be supportive of me and have abandoned me altogether. The women in my life that inspire me to be the best mother in the world know who they are, they are there day to day, week to week, phone call to email. The ones that don't are not reading this. They don't call, they don't ask questions, they show no support in my journey altogether. I am sadden by this. 

We should celebrate Mom's, Aunts, Sisters, Friends, who have children, who have said goodbye to children, who are expecting, Mother's and children who find this day painful, the Someday Moms and the women that are in your child's life. We should be celebrating Women who make a difference in children's lives, no matter who they are. Even Single Dads.

Women of infertility know what I am talking about, the emptiness in your soul that sits and waits, and is still waiting. The unknown is there everyday and is very present on this day. Where everyone has overlooked you because you are not a Mom. That feels like a knife in the heart. I am aware I do not have a child. I feel it everyday I wake up, every time I look at my phone to see if the CALL came, and every night I got to bed my heart still aches. I am aware. 

I do not want pity messages from this blog, I want who ever is reading this to take a look at who in their life did they miss to thank, not just today but everyday. 

Lauren