An end to Owen's Adoption Story

As Owen celebrated his first birthday today, we looked back at the incredible year that was - but also at our entire journey over the years that brought him to us and made our family complete.

A journey that began with a lot of hope, and with the help, love, and support of our close family and friends - we endured the wait to have Owen come home.

So this week we've not only celebrated our son's first birthday, but the courage & love of our birth-mother, the support from our family, and the miracle that open adoption truly is for everyone involved.

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But we feel that Owen's adoption story is now at an end.  We've blogged about the experience to help ourselves through the process, but also hopefully shed more light and helped others in learning about open adoption.  We will keep the blog up online, so that it can continue to be a source of enlightenment about adoption, and something that we will always be able to read and fondly remember.

And thank *you*, the readers and supporters of our adoption blog.  Your kind words and comments have always meant the most to us - whether they were in our times of struggle, or in our times of joy.

Now, we enter the happiest times of our lives.  Our hearts are complete, and little O will continue his adventures - growing up always knowing his incredible adoption story, and the loving people who made it all possible!

Love,

the Burns family  <3

After the Adoption pt.3 - The Birthmother

  This weekend, we are going to celebrate Owen's first birthday.  It's going to be a memorable and important event in our lives, and many of our family are going to be there for him.

  It's almost been a year since we got that call, and that is almost incomprehensible.  Lauren and I were living our lives as if nothing was ever going to change.  However at that same time, there was one person's life that had already been changed.

  This was Owen's birth-mother.

  It was one year ago, she was coping with so many emotions, and probably the most difficult decision of her entire life.  Her story is very private and personal, and we can't imagine what she had to go through.
  But through all her strife and pain, we know she confided in her mother for support and love.  Her mother helped give her daughter the strength to go not only go through with having the baby, but supported her in going to an adoption agency.
  Within a week, our birth-mother came to the conclusion that she would go through with the adoption, and looked through the many different profile books of waiting parents, and that's where we entered her life!  She gave birth to Owen, and then allowed us to have that part of her heart.

  But it's important to know one important reason of why we chose to go through with "open" adoption.  This isn't like the movies, this isn't leaving a baby on a doorstep or sending it in a bassinet down the river.  This isn't a closed process, where the birth-mother wonders what ever happens to her child.  She made the conscious decision to give Owen to us, but we get to keep her a part of our (and Owen's) lives as a part of our forever family.
  We've met her on a few occasions, and keep in contact with her to this day, also we've Skype'd with her so that she can see Owen grow.
  It's so important that after the adoption placement has happened, we continue a connection with her so that she can see how impactful and important her decision was.  She wants to see and know that Owen is loved, that he has a great home, toys to play with, that he laughs and giggles, and because of her he has an incredible life ahead of him.
  We want her to know always how incredibly special that he is to us, and that she made it all happen.

  This connection is not only important for her, but for Lauren and I as parents, and especially for Owen!  In his bedroom there is a picture of his birth-mother holding him as a baby.  He is going to know his entire story, know about her, know where he came from - and then when he came into our care.  His education of this entire journey is so important for his development as a child, and then as a man finding a place in this world.

  So before we start to celebrate Owen coming into our life this weekend for his birthday, I think it's important that we first remember who made it all happen.



- Jason

Our emotional journey - Dealing with the Fear & Depression of Adoption

  We've spoken a bit about the emotional toll that waiting for an adoption can take.  Lauren and I sat in adoption seminars early on in the process, and listened to some brave adoptive parents who volunteered their placement stories for all of us attending to listen to.
  I'll never forget the one couple who spoke of their wait, being on the adoption list for almost 3 years.  How the process to even get on the list was arduous, and through all the time they were waiting it took a real toll on them as individuals, but also on their relationship.
  At a point in that third year - they had almost given up hope completely.  It almost broke their marriage, and it seemed like it would never happen.  Then literally days after they had gone through one of the roughest patches in their wait... their baby arrived.  It was so emotional listening to them speak, as you could sense the pain that they want through, but how that pain manifested itself into the biggest joy of their lives.  The couple told all of us couples listening to not give up the journey.  Because if they had done so, then they wouldn't have their child today, and it would have completely broken them and changed their lives forever.

  That experience stuck with us, and especially for me.  I remember listening to this couple's story and thinking "wow, that's a crazy long time - but we'll never have to wait that long" <-- coming from the brain of one of the most naive guys on the planet!  The average wait time once you are accepted and put on the adoption list is about a year and a half.
  We knew of some couples who waited only a few months before they got the call, and for those first few months Lauren and I really thought that it would happen at any moment.  By the time we started on the list we had already had the baby's room ready, all of the baby clothes, cloth diapers, crib, change table, monitor, etc. everything was in it's place!
  Especially when we were going somewhere, travelling, or going through an important stage in life.  We'd be thinking, "well, it's probably going to happen when we're doing this!" every time we said that, calling out to the universe... and the call never came.  But our optimism stayed high.

  Soon we hit what I call the "emotional test pattern".  If you can remember (before our 24-hour 1000 TV channel culture) the test pattern was something that came on late night TV channels when they had nothing to air.  Basically a static plain colored multi-colored image with a simple monotone beep in the background.
  It was that second Christmas on the adoption list, that I feel hit us the hardest.  Christmas time is difficult when you are dealing with infertility, as it's a time to celebrate with families, but also centered on kids & them opening presents.  But this particular Christmas it hit us like an emotional mack truck.

  Lauren and I have always been big on family and family gatherings, but it started to become more painful to attend them.  Especially that particular Christmas, because that marked about a year and a half at that point (the wait list average) - so we were so hopeful that we would get the call by then.  And then when it didn't... it really took a toll.
  For me, after that time, life was pretty much put on hold.  We started to live as if the call might not happen at all, because that's the only way we knew how to be.  A resounding number of fears started coming over us.

  Is the adoption call going to happen?  If it hasn't happened yet, was it meant to?
  Were we going to even be good parents?  Are we going to be miserable?  
  Was our marriage going to last?  How long could we keep doing this?
  The baby that we meet, how are they going to feel connected to us if we're not their birth parents?
  Will the time ever come when we're truly happy again?

  As an example of this emotional pause on life - I have always worked in family dining restaurant settings, and I couldn't even talk to tables/parents with babies at the table.  If there was food to be ran to a table with a baby I would often ask someone else to do it.  One night during this time I remember looking out into the restaurant dining room and saw a woman with a small baby, but this woman looked in my mind to hold a resemblance to Lauren.  I couldn't contain myself and I broke down, headed to the office, closed the door and started to weep.  One of the servers came and found me and simply gave her boss a big hug, and I started to realize the pain I was trying to hide.  Lauren also realized the same pain, whether it was going to a doctor's office seeing a mom and her child or driving past a playground seeing kids playing - these are very *real* emotions that couples with infertility deal with.  And this is no way to live!
 
 But one beautiful spring day, the cold and lonely winter had ended, and the phone call eventually came.  One morning we were sitting there eating breakfast in the Starlite Diner, talking about our weekend ahead - and just a few hours later our son was in our arms.
  You would think that this is when the depression ended.  Well no, not quite!  Sure we were overjoyed - and shocked, surprised, scared.... a whole wide range of emotions were released.  But then all of a sudden we were faced with our fears yet again.  But also the fear in meeting the birthmother, the adoption placement costs that came out of our bank account, sleepless nights, re-arranging our schedules, and more.

  What also didn't help is that through our long-standing depression (primarily the last year or so), our eating got out of control and we dealt with weight gain.  But once the adoption happened, it got even worse.  But I think all new parents go through that!!  It's called a whole lot of coffee, lack of sleep, sugar cravings, eating quickly, not focused on you, because it's all about that little person!
  Plus, you add in that cocktail of sleepless nights, long work days for me (and away from Lauren), bad eating, caffeine crashes, etc.
  Even though our son was now here we still dealt with a lot of un-resolved pain.  However through a lot of dedication and hard work, we're back on track to becoming happy again.

  One quote that I found really sums up our emotional journey:

"There are two basic motivating forces:  Fear and Love.  When we are afraid, we pull back from life.  When we are in love, we open to all that life has to offer with passion, excitement, and acceptance"  - John Lennon

 

  We have worked through getting rid of our fear, and accepting all of the love.

  The call did happen, exactly right on time.  Because that wait brought us to Owen. 
  We are going to be great parents, we are funny, loving, and nurturing.
  We can do this, and will do this great together.
  Owen is not connected to us by blood, but connected by our hearts.
  There is no need to be afraid anymore, the time is here, and it's everything we wanted.

  On a beautiful day like today, it makes me reflect on just how incredible our journey has been.  Today, we were outside with Owen enjoying the sunshine, playing in the grass, laughing, and soaking up everything.  But most importantly, we are starting to love ourselves again just as much as we love Owen.  We're eating better, sleeping more, relaxing more, losing weight, laughing more, just starting to love and live life again.
  We're focused on moving away from negative forces in our lives, and absorb what we know will make us stronger and fill us with more passion for life.  I know that I have recently worked through fears, and continue to grow as a man, a husband, and a father.  But as long as I've been honest with Lauren about how I've felt, whether it be good or bad, and shared that pain together, it strengthens our love together.

  And when you've gone through everything you've gone through, all you simply have to do is look at this face.  How can you resist *not* to love??   I mean... seriously cute!

  Fear will not exist when you focus on love, being true to yourself, and the love for each other and for our family.  We will go through all the ups and downs of life, but no matter what happens to us, it won't be perfect, but in the end we will always have each other.
  As we focus on the good and what we need to absorb in our lives to eliminate that fear, we continue to move on to bigger and better things and re-discover the happiness and love that brought Lauren and I together almost 10 years ago.

  By never giving up on our love, Owen came to us.  That love will always be there, and that love will conquer all fears.  Forever.
 


- Jason

After the Adoption pt.2 - Building a Connection with our Adopted Child

  Years of waiting and preparation, all culminate to that one precious phone call.  As hopeful adoptive parents, your lives are consumed and filled with the expectations of the placement.

  But then it happens.  And a new little person is in your arms.  So what now?

  It's interesting to try and describe how we felt when we were leaving the hospital with Owen.  Oddly enough, it felt like we literally stealing a baby (I wanted to yell "start the car honey!").  This was all too easy, and that we almost felt a little awkward just walking into a nursery, signing some papers, wrapping up a newborn baby, and walking out, when the day before we weren't even thinking we would be parents!  (but that ease is also helped because of the amazing work of our adoption agency)
  Our hearts were overjoyed, but we were also a little terrified.  Going through the pregnancy stage, most parents have 9 months to prepare in lots of different ways; in getting a nursery ready, buying clothes, telling your family/friends, reading up on parenting books... check, check, check all of those and more off of the list!  And we had years to do it (so imagine all the clothes we had at this point!)

  But one important thing that we didn't account for was the emotional preparation.  As I mentioned, all of our thoughts and dreams are focused on one simple event - the placement.  And maybe at some point before going on the adoption list we discussed and talked about our emotions or after we took our baby home, but on that Friday morning in April 2015, that was the furthest thing from our minds when we got that call.
  The only emotions that were top of mind (or heart) for us were that of our hope for the placement to finally happen.  So when that call came - that emotional dam came crashing down and we were puddles.  But now when we got home from the hospital, the reality and shock of now truly being parents came setting in very fast.

  For adoptive parents, one important thing to note is building an emotional bond with your child, especially for the Mother.  Lauren didn't carry Owen for 9 months, and that makes a huge difference for a new Mother, for each of them to connect to each other.

  One thing however that we were prepared on, was an incredible wrap from our friend Becky who has a company called Uppymama based right here in Alberta.  Uppymama hand weave, hand-finish and market handwoven and handmade artisan babywearing wraps and slings to support attachment parenting.

  So although the wrap helps Lauren gets things done (especially her artwork), it's not merely about convenience.  This is a tool used for connection and building a bond with Baby O.
  Becky and the incredible Amber Bourret (photography http://ambphotos.ca/) came to our home just a couple of days after Owen was born, because Becky knew how important it was to bring us a wrap as quickly as possible so Lauren could start that connection with him.
  I myself tend to use the sling more than anything, well because I'm a guy and I'm not that clever about these sorts of things, however I know even for myself that carrying Owen is extremely helpful and important!
  Lauren and I both made a big effort to have as much close connection and skin-to-skin contact with Baby O so that he felt completely safe and nurtured.

  I personally believe that because we made these important emotional steps to bond with Owen, it has helped make him into the loving and happy little man that he is today, and we feel so much more connected to him as parents.

  We want to encourage you if you haven't already to read Uppymama's recent blog (about Lauren) and visit their website:

http://uppymama.com/uppymama-arrow/

  I love to read this from Lauren's own words which best explains some of her emotional journey:

“My journey to motherhood was not conventional but it was mine. Including babywearing into my journey has helped me gain confidence in my parenting. I can’t birth a child or breastfeed, but when I wear my baby I am a mother. My body is soothing and loving my baby, that is what it was meant to do!” 

  So for all you potential adoptive parents out there, really consider life after the placement, how important it is to connect to your new child, and the emotional toll it can take.
  But I am very thankful to my wife for having the insight to incorporate Uppymama into our adoption process, because focusing on that connection really helped us through those first couple of months.




- Jason

Celebrating the Women of our Adoption

In honor of International Women's Day, I think it's important to highlight some of the most important Women that made our adoption possible:

The Birthmother - first here, and first in our hearts.  Without her, we wouldn't have Owen.  We waited for a long time to hold him in our arms, but we knew that wait was only because it had to be him, and our lives were meant to coincide with hers.  There aren't words that we can think of to describe the amount of love we hold for our birthmother.  Her courage is beyond comprehension, and she will always be an important part of our lives (and Owen's).  The choice that she made to choose adoption, and then to choose us from all the different couple's profiles... so incredible.  Plus, her own mother for her support in the adoption and to help her daughter have the strength to go through this process.  The pure courage and sacrifice of our birthmother will never be forgotten.  Owen will always be raised in knowing how much she loved him, and cared so much that she knew the best place for him was with us.

Our adoption agency - the Women at Adoption by Choice greeted us with open arms, and supported us through every step.  It's one thing to attend workshops and meetings, but we ended up with a close personal connection with Laura, who was there at every turn.  When Lauren and I had questions, it was always who Laura took our calls and made time for us.  When we were depressed, she listened to our pain.  That Friday morning when we were driving to Calgary, it was Laura who called and told us Owen was born.  She met us at the hospital and brought us to him for the first time, she counceled the birthmother and helped her in the wee hours of the morning, and made sure Owen was safe and visited him in the hospital nursery.  Laura is completely giving in her time and support - it made our experience so special.

Our social worker - we can only try and imagine the work that she does day in and day out.  Doing a home study is a scary thing, in having someone come into your home and have to judge if you are going to be fit parents.  But also difficult decisions about the adoption had to be made.  Through all of those difficult times however, she was also instrumental in helping our adoption happen.  And even after Owen has arrived, we still have a connection and friendship with her... that is because she puts her heart into those she helps, and we know Owen has a place in her heart.

Rosemary - there are so many important family members and friends who give us love and support.  And at the center of it all is Lauren's mother Rosemary.  We are so lucky that she is near us, but not only that she has been there for us each and every day.  There is something to be said about a mother seeing her own daughter with her child, and I couldn't be more thankful for the love and commitment that Rosemary has given to Owen and to us.  Not just since he arrived, but through our entire adoption process since the day when we decided to adopt.  She has helped us with our pain, our anger, our relationship, and has always been an ear to listen and a shoulder to cry on.  Thank you for being an incredible mother to my wife, a loving grandmother to Owen, and showing how great a women's love can be.

Lauren - my wife has gone through so much that it literally brings tears to my eyes trying to type about it.  But great women aren't made because things come to them easy or handed to them on a silver platter.  I will always remember consoling Lauren in the hospital years ago when she found out she wasn't able to conceive.  But this challenge has helped over time bring us to the miracle of adoption, and most importantly Lauren has used her art to bring not just inspiration and hope to herself, but to really help inspire others and show the beauty and strength of herself as a woman.  I have seen her artwork develop from something interesting and unique, to truly something inspirational that others admire and use to help motivate and empower themselves through times of struggle.  What better gift than to illustrate and show the beautiful parts of life and us as people?  I am so proud of her for her growth, her strength, and how much of a loving mother she has become for our son.  Lauren never gave up on me, on herself, or on Owen.  And because of that strength our family is together.


Today is an exceptional day to celebrate and identify the important women in our lives, and I'm happy to highlight these beautiful women from our adoption process.  Thanks to all of you for helping me become the father and man I am today.



- Jason

After the Adoption pt.1 - To choose a name

  So you've finally been called.  Years of preparation.  The tears fall fast, and the world starts spinning a whole lot faster.

 When you're on an adoption list - everything... I mean everything comes down to the call.  All of your emotions on a daily basis are all focused on that moment, that when you meet your new baby it all seems so surreal.
  We walked into the nursery at the Rockyview, literally about an hour after finding out we had a son, and there he was.  So we were now parents!  But our new son had no name.

    Lauren and I had talked about a number of names, but especially after years in waiting we went through a lot of different baby names.  When we first started the process of adoption we thought of a few names, then when the next year came some names faded - and some new ones came into the conversation.  Then the next year the same happened, and so on, etc.

  Then all of a sudden, you wake up one morning and you are walking into a hospital nursery meeting your new baby for the first time just hours after he is born.
  His name officially (and we would find out legally for some time) was simply "Baby Boy".  And we were in just simple awe of holding him the emotions were overwhelming, but then the topic of his name became right near the top of our list.

  So, Lauren and I reluctantly had to leave him at the hospital until the next day, and that night we spent a lot of time into the wee hours going over tons of names.  We reviewed our previous lists, and crossed off name after name. We agreed that we both had to love the name.  If one person wasn't in love with a name we crossed it off.

  It almost felt that after meeting him some of those names just didn't suit the little peanut!

  As we will talk about, the birthmother has always, and will always be an important part of this process.  But with parents through adoption, you never know if the birthmother wants to name the baby, or already has.  We found out that some adoptive parents actually then use that birthmother's name as the middle name as a respect to her and her family.  In our case though, there was no name passed to him.

  Lauren and I also had spoken about how the meaning of a name meant a lot to us.  Many people go back into their family tree to respect their heritage, but Lauren and I also thought that his name needed to signify the importance of our journey, the adoption, and the importance of *him*

  So we then both decided to choose the name "Owen".

  The name is derived in it's origins as being a person who is very charismatic, artistic, and a determined young fighter.  But our favorite meaning was an old Scottish derivative of the name Owen simply meaning - "Desired Child".

  And how appropriate is that?  About every bit as it could possibly be.

  One interesting thing that every new parent probably goes through, is not just choosing a middle name, but then having one that sounded good with the first and the last!  So going along the same theme of meaning, we came upon a German name of Faron, which simply meant "Journey".

  Owen Faron Burns, rolls off the tongue quite well don't you think?

  So that Saturday morning when we woke up (from what we now know as the last best sleep of our lives), we made our way to the hospital to bring our new son home.

It's now official!

311 days ago our lives changed forever when we brought Owen home.

Monday February 15th is Family Day in Alberta, and that just so happened to be the day when our Adoption order arrived in the mail!  Our son is now legally "Owen Faron Burns", and our dream of adoption has now finally, officially, come to fruition.  On family day no less!

You're probably thinking to yourself, "311 days?" or "his name wasn't Owen?" well you would be correct.  We both went through another long wait to make it official, but honestly this wait was nothing compared to the one being on the adoption list, so we could handle it but it was still difficult.

After we took Owen home, a lot went on.  Including several meetings with the Adoption Agency of course, meeting the Birthmother, getting new/updated criminal record checks (to really just make sure) done, another home study, more questions, more money spent, and a lot of information sent off to the courts to be processed and judged.

So Owen's name up until recently was legally "Baby Boy", and he had a different last name than ours, so let me assure you it wasn't the easiest visits to the doctor or for immunizations when he had to in a round-about way prove that he was ours, and that we weren't crazy people who had scooped a child off the street.

This past year has been a different kind of challenge for us.  Obvious reasons is that we have been new parents, but also in a naive way we thought that our adoption story would in a way end when we took him home from the hospital last April.  We've experienced a lot of different ups and downs since the placement took place, that for any of you on an adoption list would want to know about.

That's why we're continuing to blog about this process, because it's so important to raise awareness of open adoption, and support adoptive parents and birthmothers.  Whether you are considering adoption as a viable option, trying to cope waiting on the list, or learning more about open adoption in general it's important to get that support and read other people's stories (we know we sure did).

But for now, we're definitely soaking up that the initial adoption placement is 100% complete, and we can take that weight we didn't realize we had, off our backs and continue to move forward with the most important little person in our world.

and so begins the Adventures of O


Jason & Lauren